7 ways to tell if your lady is absolutely crazy

Sometimes you think you meet the greatest girl in the whole entire world — smart, pretty, funny, willing to go down on you whenever you ask. But then out of nowhere she flips out and turns into a psychomaniac. So you call the cops, change all the locks, and try to figure out how she went from being the sweetest girl ever to the girl resisting arrest on your front lawn.  Well it didn’t happen overnight. There are always signs along the way that you’re dating a complete nut job.

1. She moves fast 

She insists that you meet her friends after your first date because they’re just dying to meet the new man in her life. By the third date she’s introducing you as her kinda-boyfriend, and by the time the fifth date rolls around she’s referring to your parents as her in-laws. She’ll deny it if you ask, but she’s on the hunt for a husband. Lose her now before she pulls the classic “I accidentally got pregnant because I accidentally poked holes in your condom and accidentally threw out my pill. LOL.”

2. She loves protests 

It doesn’t matter what people are protesting against or how much blood they make her throw on people wearing fur – she’s just happy to be part of a crowd. That’s because crazy people like being around other crazy people, it’s simple science. Dump her now or risk spending every weekend marching in a save the ticks rally and every night having fights through a bullhorn.

3. She won’t invite you over 

She refuses to take you to her home no matter how hard you hint that you want to see it. In fact, she won’t even tell you her address or the general direction of her house. Leave her ASAP or you’re asking to be questioned by police one day if you have any idea whose body parts are being stored in her fridge.

4. She owns weapons

You sneak up on her one day ready to surprise her with flowers and chocolate, but she freaks out, and before you can say “it’s just me,” she has a gun to your temple and a knife to your balls. She claims her weapon arsenal is purely for self-defense but you’re skeptical once she shows you her nunchucks. Ditch her before she ends the relationship by ditching your body in a lake – all because you forgot to ask her how her day went.

5. She has a short temper

A car cuts you off on the highway. You honk your horn and keep driving, but she rolls down the window, sticks her entire body out of the car and yells a string of profanities you’ve never even heard combined before. She sits back down and goes right back into normal conversation. Lose her before you cut her off in conversation one day and cause her to kick in your TV, set your house on fire, and then politely ask where you would like to go to dinner that night.

6. She makes offensive comments

You’re talking with her one day about your best friend from high school who just came out of the closet. She responds with a slur that you’ve never actually heard used outside of Fox News. Suddenly you start noticing that she uses a lot of these little rare slurs and before long you realize there’s no human being for which she does not have an insult. Dump her before you have to start translating her conversations for your friends who want to know why she refers to them all as fat-tards.

7. Stalks her ex

Every time she has a spare moment she’s Facebooking her ex and demanding that you tell her how gross he looks now. Despite how disgusting she thinks he looks now, she’s absolutely obsessed with knowing about every detail about his life. When you remind her that they broke-up in high school and it doesn’t matter anymore, she starts crying and asking why you don’t care about her feelings. Enter the witness protection program now or expect to wake up ten years from now with her standing over your bed asking what you meant by adding “sneakers” to your Facebook interests.